Monday, May 30, 2011

Growth


In times of struggle in my life I’ve often sought out the written word.  Not necessarily in reading, but rather in writing it myself which is normally uncharacteristic of who I am.  What I mean by that is when my life chugging along, I don’t stop to think about how things are progressing and what little changes should be made along the way.  I like to keep myself busy probably because then I don’t have to think about those ideas on an everyday basis. 

In the past two years I’ve really learned a lot about how the world works, how I fit into it, and what I need to consider myself fulfilled.  Throughout my time in grad school I had a nagging feeling while living in paradise about what if it doesn’t work out.  Well looking for the third job in two years pretty much counts as things not working out, but you know what?  I’m still alive.  And better for the experience.  We always have those moments where we wish we could go back to a younger version of oneself and say that things will work out.  Instead of aching for that ability to do just that, I’m just grateful I’ve learned what I have so far and can start seeing how lessons from the past and present and fit into whatever possible future lies ahead.

I heard recently a saying that says something like a new seedling grows from the shell of the old.  I vividly remember as a child bringing cooking beans into school, putting them into a cup with a damp paper town, and in a couple days roots have started growing into a whole new plant.  I don’t want to look at this time as a passage from childhood to adulthood (forget the fact that I’m almost thirty), but I do see it as the starting of a new phase in my life. 

A great aunt that recently died explained to me ten years ago when she turned eighty that any extra years she had from that point she considered bonus years, so she could eat whatever she wanted, do whatever she wanted, and enjoy life however she could.  At some level I look at her as a role model, even if I was never really close to her.  She was always a giving person, even until the day she passed she was helping people at church and would entertain guests too often for her own good.  Maybe I’m destined to be like her once I turn eighty and refuse to slow down.  It’s a nice thought to have.

During previous times that were rough, I was constantly reminding myself of the amazing group of people I have around me.  It’s a little different this time, more introspective.  That is to say I’m not exorbitantly grateful for those around me, but I’m really doing it myself this time.  Well that, and since I’ve been here before I know what to expect.  I know that looking for work is an obscene rollercoaster ride of emotions: some days you feel like as prepared and capable for a particular position and that you’re the obvious choice, and then there days when you wonder if you’ll ever find a job that pays well and that you can see yourself getting up for the rest of your career to go to.  I know I’m capable of waking up and going to a job, and I feel that search won’t take a ridiculous time to unfold given my background and abilities.  I’m just thankful that I can see that endpoint, even when there’s no explicit endpoint in site. 

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